The Long Good-bye

Wow, I forgot about this blog. I can't believe it has been almost three years since the last post. Maybe it was too hard to reflect on what was happening. Maybe I just got accustomed to her being gone (living in the nursing home). Well here we are, almost three years later, and Ms. Lillie is still running things at Daysprings! She eventually stopped asking us to take her home and trying to take her clothes out of the closet. She started playing bingo and dancing and telling everybody to shut up. She would even kick us out sometimes. I stayed in Dayton for another year, then moved back to Nashville once I was sure Daddy would be okay without me. He's still okay but it was definitely hard to leave him. I have tried to go home every few months and even spent a few weeks there this summer after Daddy's surgery. It's so nice being a couple interstates away. It's still hard visiting Ma. She definitely doesn't know me and even the slight recollection she used to have when I would walk in is faint. She's still walking and eating and reading and talking a little bit but there's a vacancy in her eyes. It's hard to see that. She doesn't understand simple comments or questions sometimes and I can tell it bothers her. She wants to understand. She wants to know who I am. I know she does. It's a blessing she's still with us and able to do what she's still able to do. But I'd be lying if I said I don't still wish sometimes that I could grieve once and for all. The long good-bye is the best nickname for this disease. I feel awful, absolutely awful for even thinking about how much easier it would be to say my final good-bye. I truly don't know what would be worse: not having her here at all or not having "her" here. I already miss her terribly. Every time I think about how life would be with her here, really here... I just can't. But I am grateful for the time I still have to kiss her cheek and call her Mama to her face. One day I'll find out which is worse, and I may long for the day when I could touch her warm skin. So I'll try my best to enjoy her while I can.